If you talk with some conservatives they will tell you that shame has value in society.  The common argument is that if you remove shame from actions that break-down society there is nothing to motivate people to fight their urges and to do the right thing.

A Classic Example: Putting Shame in the Right Places Where Children Are Involved

the men who father children and walk away should be shamed to the extreme

There is some truth in this idea of shame controlling behavior.  The is no-longer shame in sex outside of marriage, we now see it on TV and we have an explosion of births outside of marriage.  No one should ever think a single mother loves her child less than married parents. Being a single mother should never come with shame, it is an act of making what one has work with love.  But it is a much harder job, so we need to remind people to avoid the behavior that causes this.  Having unprotected sex outside of marriage should have enough shame that it happens less. However, the men who father children and walk away should be shamed to the extreme and they are not.

Frankly I would also put shame on those who could scale down lifestyle and have one parent at home with a young child, but instead hand the kid to a nanny so they can afford a nicer house or car.  [I took time off from my career to raise our child for the first 18 months. We sold our house to make this happen.]  When the child was old enough to benefit from socialization, we used some daycare and lots of at home time.

Conservatives vs Liberals on Shame

they have at times created a deeper institutionalized shame that like many taxes may be hidden, but costs just as much.

Conservatives tend to believe that actions have consequence and that those consequences good or bad are what help us choose the right behavior.  Because of this they don't have a strong motivation to engineer shame out of society.
Liberals tend to want to create an even playing field for everyone and tend to assume circumstances vs actions determine one's place in life.  So they have been on an active path to remove shame from society.  I think their intentions are well meant.  However, they not only have suppressed the benefits of shame in guiding people to more productive behavior they have at times created a deeper institutionalized shame that like many taxes may be hidden, but costs just as much.

The "Shame" of Halloween

Out of that need to make due with less came creativity and a chance for my parents to model problem solving

It was the annual attack on Halloween that inspired me to write this post.  Some schools are again banning costumes partially to avoid the shame that might come from some students not having the money to wear a fancy store-bought costume.  This is done to avoid the "shame" of being poor.
What? There is shame in being poor?  Your economics should not create shame, only how you deal with it. 

Herman Cain has declared how poor he was when he grew up. His dad's drive to create a better life for his kids lead him to work three jobs and eventually gain the trust of a Coke executive as a chauffeur. Cain later used what his dad created to gain access to the business world in the southern US even as America was coming to terms with a badly need civil rights act.  So his dad working hard without shame, created opportunity for his son to move further.

When I grew up only my dad worked and we had a mortgage so we weren't poor but we didn't have money for fancy costumes.  Mine were always home made.   Out of that need to make due with less came creativity and a chance for my parents to model problem solving.  Frankly, if you have it too easy I think it inhibits growth.. how many children of means do we see become famous for flaming out?

Shame and Comfort

Preventing suffering is an act of kindness, preventing discomfort can be interference in someone's chance to grow

Which is worse for a kid, to come to school as a hobo or some other homemade costume or to be told that being poor is such a shameful thing to see, that their entire school can't have Halloween?  I think  the later message creates a deeper shame without the opportunity to overcome the barrier.

There are studies to show that people economically will live in whatever "comfort zone" they have learned.  That is why some work 16 hour days to have money and others don't feel a need to get the training needed to move into better paying work.  They may want more free time or more stuff, but both extremes have become comfortable with their economic place.  While there are good intentions to helping the poor, and we should work hard to prevent hunger and make sure all kids can go to a good school any program that makes poverty more comfortable also works against breaking the poverty cycle.  It is a sad catch 22.  Preventing suffering is an act of kindness, preventing discomfort can be interference in someone's chance to grow.

Shame and Race

How can we celebrate and embrace our differences if we make some of them unmentionable?

There should never be shame for how one is born either because of heredity or accidents that may bring disability.  Shame that can not bring positive change is counter productive. Shame for things that can not be changed actually is about others creating artificial comfort for who they are.  Racism is about holding others down, because you do not know how to build yourself up.  Racism not only hurts the person it is aimed at, it creates a comfort zone for the racist to avoid the hard work of building real self-esteem.

Liberal Shame About Race

No child should have to ask, "Am I unmentionable?"

We see unspoken shame with some liberals.  The say, "We can't do this because...," it might bring out the differences, like race or religion etc.  Schools avoid managing teaching moments about difference that are real real by trying to avoiding seeing differences.  The question is how many kids who see themself as different read this as some kind of shame that is soo bad they the school has to change things for them?  No child should have to ask, "Am I unmentionable?"

Another exampled happened years ago when on a liberal talk-show, the host refereed to an actress as the African American.  She was then attacked by callers for pointing out the race.  Why??!!  I was a big fan of the show and the actress she was talking about was my "crush" on the show.  She had a deep rich dark skin and big brown eyes!  She was gorgeous!  Yet in some perversion of trying to avoid racism callers convinced the host it was racist to point out that she was black or African American.  OMG!  This was an act of shaming the actress for her ethnicity. Like a stain on her dress or spinach in her teeth, race was not to be mentioned in "polite society." 

Its a complicated issue.  Liberals run studies and create forms to sort us by race trying to spot racisim, then at times get all jumpy when race is used as a descriptor as if seeing race is bad.  Is is bad to see blue eyes or red hair?  Why is it bad to see skin color or brown eyes etc.? It shouldn't be.

We have a black president.  I think he has made bad choices, but that has nothing to do with race so his race should NEVER be used as a descriptor in critical comments or signs of protests.  It doesn't matter.  In the short term Obama's policies are hurting the country.  In the long-term he has removed the impression that we can only have white presidents because he wasn't willing to buy into the idea that his race made him unelectable. Good for him.. too many assume before they try that there is enough racism to stop them  There is racism, but over and over we see success that shows it is not a barrier just an added obstacle that this country cheers being overcome.

One of the more truly racist comments about Obama I have heard in years came from Chris Mathews after Obama gave an effective "State of the Union" speech.  In a moment of ugly honesty, Mathews said "For an hour I forgot Obama was black."  Wow! think about the opinions he must hold for most blacks that an hour of successful communication counters how Mathew's sees blacks.  Is this an insight into how some liberals see blacks so much that they cringe when ethnicity is used as a as neutral or positive descriptor?

How can we celebrate and embrace our differences if we make some of them unmentionable?

The Shame of Being Hidden

Don't end Halloween to hide differences, create a Halloween where the differences are celebrated

Classic racism is an abuse of the emotion of shame, placing it on others for things they can't  and shouldn't want to change to create artificial esteem for others. However!  Placing race, economics or religion on the list of "unmentionables" that some liberals do places shame where there should be none.  Don't end Halloween to hide differences, create a Halloween where the differences are celebrated.  And please don't assume noticing someone's race is is any worse than noticing their hair color. This only brings shame to differences.

These differences should not be placed in a liberal "Do Not Mention" list.  Trying to remove shame in all cases is not productive, we need to be smarter about who deserves shame and who does not.